Marriage

Being a Christian is so scary and hard...following God seem so hard to do anymore...I'm sick of the way I feel...feeling so far away from the one who truly loves me...only because I can't see him, I am afraid of what he will tell me to do next...so it easier not to ask because I know I will have to listen...but why am I so afraid...being a Christian is alot of work to...I have found myself in being a self-centered Christian...and I can't seem to get myself out of this...I'm really growing in disliking the person I am...but seem like I"m doing noting to change it...sigh...what is my problem...why can't I get passed this bump in my road of my life...I haven't been feelign good lately either and I'm not sure why (physcially)...most likey because I been eating whatever I want when ever I want...then not doing anything about it...so my body is like freaking out because all I been putting into it is...bad food...I also don't want to tell anyone about how I feel...just because...oh well...

God

Please

!!!HELP!!!

So I'm sad about next sem. already...I hate the fact that I'm a closed person...not welcoming to anyone unless they try very very hard...frusated with myself...

Wow it's been like forever sense I been on this xanga...so I know I decided I wasn't really going to use this xanga for my personal use...but I don't want to write on my other xanga b/c I have something on my other one that I want to stay up for a lit while...so it's spring break and I'm home for it...which is nice b/c I get to be with Family...but u know every time I come home I get reminded how much it doesn't feel like home...not really sure why but I guess in due time I will find out why...but on a good note Pattyrick (Patrick) came home with me to meet my family...to be honest with you I can't get over the fact in my head that he would want to come home with me...I mean Uniontown is boring but he came to meet my church family...that just blows my mind away...also I known him for a year now and we been dating for almost 2 months and that blows my mind away...wondering a lot of things about this relationships (which would happen with any relationship)...I am very happy with him and I'm glad we decided to start a different relationship (meaning from friends to b/f and g/f)...anyway...so I have eatin way to much sense I been home...I honestly think food is a weakness to me...I love it and that's scares me I really need to work on that...I just eat b/c I can...and that's never good for you or anyone...I can really survive without eating everything...(really need to stop eating junk)...so Patrick and I took a ride last night and I got to show him where I grew up showed him the areas where I would live (with my friends)...and pretty much shared with him my whole life story (well which involved my dating life and living life)...man it really blows my mind away that he would care that much to sit in a car for an hour driving to different places and listen to my life story (well a part of it)...anyway...this spring break would be amazing if I got a lot of work done...I need to write a paper and I'm avoiding it which I know I need to stop...I really don't think it's going to be hard but I just need to write it (see writing gets me all frustrated b/c I feel like I can't do it and I can't get my thoughts together...just thinking about it makes me get a lit frustrated (I know I need to change my attitude))...anyway now I express the everyday stuff now on to my deeper thoughts...so lately I had a few things on my mind...and the thing is no one can help me and I'm not sure why I feel this way or what to do about these feeling...so there is something I really really want to know but the thing is I can't find out the one thing I really want to know and I must be respectful and not try to find it out b/c there got to be a really good reason why I don't know and I need to face the facts I might never know...but I am fighting this feeling and it's driving me nuts and talking about it doesn't help...just need to let it go (hopefully you know what I mean)...so other things have been worrying me...but not sure how it is worrying me (make no sense yet???)...yeah there a few ppl been on my mind lately and I been (really need to continue) praying about it...and trust...that is a word that scares me half to death...trust...I'm scared about a few things...but I must and need to TRUST...and I guess this feeling won't go away until something happens and see how it turns out...trusting in God that his hand will be there and he will protect...my heart is on the line right now and I need to trust...(ok so just reading over what I have written and it the last few lines sound like I am talking about something (meaning ppl would know what I'm talking about) but really it's not what I believe ppl would think about...ok I know now I am making no sense)...see writing on here is hard b/c you want to express ur feeling but u don't want to be totally honest...just in case the wrong person might read this...but then again if u didn't want this person to read it then why write it...(which by the way I'm not doing that I'm just being random right now b/c I do have a lot on my mind and don't care to share it on here and if u asked I would tell you but just not on here)...wait and trust the two words that scare me...why you may ask...I'm not really sure...so to be totally honest all the stuff that is going on in my head I really can't talk about it (well I can) but no one here on earth can fix it b/c it just there has to be a time of waiting and allowing God do his thing...and maybe he will show me what is really bothering me...what is causing these feeling...but I do need to talk to someone but not really sure who to talk...I have talked to one person but not sure who else to talk to...oh well now that I just wrote a book...I'm going to bed...so...yeah...to end this all...God is still amazing and I'm still waiting on what he wants me to do with the life he gave me...seeking and dying...everyday (hopefully for the Lord)...God Bless!!!